ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
