Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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