Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
