Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
