So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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