Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
