you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
