I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
