naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We need to rekindle our bromance
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
