oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
