Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
