so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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