i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
