i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
