i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
