So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
