saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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