Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
