It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
