Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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