you traded sex for a burrito?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize