btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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