so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
