if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
