Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
