based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
