I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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