just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
