Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
