Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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