My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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