Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
