I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
