At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize