I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
