So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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