I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
