My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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