she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
