Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
