Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
