when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You have to summon your inner elephant
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
