He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
