If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
