glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
