I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
