When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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