So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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