not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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