Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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