Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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