i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Found your dick twin last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
