I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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