Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
