i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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