Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize