question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
