I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
