I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
