i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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