I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
