I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
