listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
