remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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