Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize