No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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