we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
