If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
