Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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