are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize